My feelings at the end of 2005
It wasn’t before the last moments of my exam days when it hit me like a lighting that’s ‘in the zone’. It came as a surprise as I realize something from incubation that had all along and should be very evident… on top of that; I was surprised that I was surprised even. I lead a boring life. I had been, am still leading and have a pretty robust chance of leading a boring life… for the rest of my life. So sudden a realization, a wake up call from above or just one of those period phase that I am going through due to the weather?? A flash of truth, indeed a truth and a sad one to be reminded of, mind you.
I feel like all along I had been lying to myself and the greater others about this journey path called ‘life’. I didn’t have any. Maybe lying to myself may sound corny and psychologically impossible and very Freudian. For starters, I know that I had been trying my absolute mental best to CONVINCE me about la Dolce vita, and one that is becoming better and better every single day.
For example, I have more and more control about my life today as it was years ago. I do my ‘homework’ at my own pace, absolutely no one to nag at me as long as I hand it up by the required date. Then there was the financial power that I was bestowed, I can now buy anything as long as I have enough money for basic sustenance. Relationship freedom, the ‘gladly let you have your own life’ percept from elders and basically owning my own life. For one second, my life seemed star.
Yet, the truth is still the truth. I lead a boring life.
My passive personality just can’t hold my active. With the gratitude for the Almighty, whom had revealed this truth to me, I seek help. A boring life is sure curable. It has to be or I will be Dr. Cure. An advice from a friend that had been through a life called ‘lifeless’ is enough to force me out of the uterus that had been holding me captive for a very long time. Almost.
A senior by 2 years of age, a person I gladly call a friend, a mentor, an inspiration, a role model and fellow ‘fighter’. He told me, in his usual very-true-indeed-and-ultra-convincing tone that THE reason why I was feeling dull and life seemed to lack luster is because I had not found the goal of my life. I know it sounded square, and the goal of life is probably something to think about when we are ‘older, like 30 or something’. BUT WHY WAIT? Why lead a lifeless life for 30 years, then realized that you had to finally find life by finding that goal? You can fast track. You can bid goodbye to that paralyzing feeling and truth NOW.
Perhaps writing this made me realized more. Make me realize more about what I want in life. Not only to embrace my life fully but also be someone of positive impact to others. By then, I will then realize a new truth. I do not lead a boring life. Because I have a goal, as long as I live, I will pursue it. By pursuing it, I am living. Cos it is what I want to do and what I will do. Then, living a colourful life is not the destination, it is the journey, the everyday living, the ‘reaching for the goal’ hiatus. An advise is just an advise. It can almost bring you to life for the first time, not again (cos you never lived) as you will have to live this advice.
With this revelation, with God and my friend’s words, I still lead a boring life. But now, I will begin life.
I feel like all along I had been lying to myself and the greater others about this journey path called ‘life’. I didn’t have any. Maybe lying to myself may sound corny and psychologically impossible and very Freudian. For starters, I know that I had been trying my absolute mental best to CONVINCE me about la Dolce vita, and one that is becoming better and better every single day.
For example, I have more and more control about my life today as it was years ago. I do my ‘homework’ at my own pace, absolutely no one to nag at me as long as I hand it up by the required date. Then there was the financial power that I was bestowed, I can now buy anything as long as I have enough money for basic sustenance. Relationship freedom, the ‘gladly let you have your own life’ percept from elders and basically owning my own life. For one second, my life seemed star.
Yet, the truth is still the truth. I lead a boring life.
My passive personality just can’t hold my active. With the gratitude for the Almighty, whom had revealed this truth to me, I seek help. A boring life is sure curable. It has to be or I will be Dr. Cure. An advice from a friend that had been through a life called ‘lifeless’ is enough to force me out of the uterus that had been holding me captive for a very long time. Almost.
A senior by 2 years of age, a person I gladly call a friend, a mentor, an inspiration, a role model and fellow ‘fighter’. He told me, in his usual very-true-indeed-and-ultra-convincing tone that THE reason why I was feeling dull and life seemed to lack luster is because I had not found the goal of my life. I know it sounded square, and the goal of life is probably something to think about when we are ‘older, like 30 or something’. BUT WHY WAIT? Why lead a lifeless life for 30 years, then realized that you had to finally find life by finding that goal? You can fast track. You can bid goodbye to that paralyzing feeling and truth NOW.
Perhaps writing this made me realized more. Make me realize more about what I want in life. Not only to embrace my life fully but also be someone of positive impact to others. By then, I will then realize a new truth. I do not lead a boring life. Because I have a goal, as long as I live, I will pursue it. By pursuing it, I am living. Cos it is what I want to do and what I will do. Then, living a colourful life is not the destination, it is the journey, the everyday living, the ‘reaching for the goal’ hiatus. An advise is just an advise. It can almost bring you to life for the first time, not again (cos you never lived) as you will have to live this advice.
With this revelation, with God and my friend’s words, I still lead a boring life. But now, I will begin life.
posted by spring-file007 at 5:47 PM
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