I'm The One That I Want

Today is one of those days where I am glad about my decision for my future. The weather is perfect and it felt really quaint. With no rain or noise to occupy my senses, I feel more strongly that there is nothing here left. I also feel a sudden rush in my heart, that I want to go home as soon as I can. It seems like I am doing time in this prison and awaiting my release on the 8th of March.

'What am I doing here?' I questioned myself. 'Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?' Why didn't I come to a realisation of this earlier? The answer is simple, I was raised in this 'prison'. For those who knows me, they know about me and my family background. I wasn't raised in my real home with my parents, instead. To some, it is like a boarding school that started when I was 6 and ended till I turn 21. To others, it can argued that it is an orphanage. The ironic thing is, my biological parents are alive and well and I see them once or twice a year.

I hated the 'prison'. It is not because I was tortured in it. On the contrary, there was lots of love and support. However, there was no warmth. I hated this lifestyle cycle that repeated itself year after year. Since it was so imprinted in me, I don't know if I should or could end this cycle. I don't want to be living in two different countries where my things are split into two. I don't want to be away from my parents. I want to be a normal person just like the rest. I don't want to be in this 'prison' anymore.

This 'prison' is a mythical land of milk and honey where gold lined the streets. I, too, am convinced. However, gold is not going to give me the warmth that I am deprived of. This day, I realised that I have to forge the key to get out of this 'prison'. I want happiness. If you had read my previous posts, I came from unhappiness to being content. It is a huge achievement!! The me that was then believe that my life was meant to be unhappy. Then, I matured and learnt how to be content. I did not know what happiness was and truly believed that to be content is THE epitome of leading a good life. Only this, I realised that I should be happy.

It is not that being content just wasn't enough anymore. It more like I found a way to be better than being content, by escaping the 'prison'. This feeling is hard to described. It is not that feeling that I made a huge discovery, it is not even a feeling of emancipation. It's more revolutionary. It's like the Egyptians who finally said enough is enough and overthrew their dictator. Epic. Life changing. Monumental. I am leaving the 'prison' and not looking back.

Perhaps one day I am have the strength and maturity to burn this 'prison' down. For now, I am glad that the deliveryman coming over tomorrow to pick my 16 boxes of 260kg life here in Melbourne back to Jakarta...