Hello, Goodbye

The weather forecast was wrong. It is still freezing cold and wet today... and will be cold tomorrow and the day after. I must be part cold-blooded as I don't function fully under the cold. There is no motivation!!

I find it intriguing how it is so easy to start writing about the weather. It is a rather traditional way to write a diary. A blog is like a diary. It can contain journal articles and random thoughts too. A reflection or retrospect that contains highly processed thoughts and ideas.

Is it possible that after all these notes to myself, I find myself back to square one? The lessons learnt, the pain, the hurt and the dilemma. In a moment of weakness, they just diminish, like they never ever happened. Like they don't matter. Later on, I am left with nothing but regret. We comfort ourselves saying that it is a good lesson learnt and next time, we will do otherwise and emerge the victor... not the victim. However, the cycle only continues.

We are who we are. Yet we often want to better ourselves and improve. We play scenarios of our past failures over and over again in our head and we make sure that in those situations, we are doing what we should have done. This only soothes those sleepless nights and provides some hope in our hearts. But, isit really gonna end? In our head when we say enough is enough, is it really... enough?

You ask yourself, 'Am I sadistic? Do I have a problem? Why did I?' There is no answer to these questions. There are no closure. It opened with a 'Hello' but there was never a 'Goodbye'. Why is there never a 'Goodbye'? Yet we so eagerly press on to the 'Hello'. There are so many things left unsaid. So many dreams that are yet to be fulfilled. Isit pride that is at stake? Isit love? It seemed like a never ending battle. And you always the victim, the loser, the forgotten and the forsaken.

There is no 'Goodbye'. There may never be a 'Goodbye'. But we continue this search for the elusive unicorn. And in doing so, we let ourselves slip... into the never ending cycle.