Monday, August 10, 2009

Death Becomes Me

"I wonder when had I died. Is it years and years ago when that unfortunately incident happened? OR isit years ago when that happened. OR isit just days ago?

It does not matter now as to when had I died. All that mattered is that I am now dead....

Yet death never cease to haunt me. My healed wounds was deliberately reopened, ravaged by those who mock me while my wails and cries were completely drowned. Constantly raped by these demonic waves. Struggling to gaina foot hold but always slipping and falling back to square one.Why? Have I not suffered enough? Have I not been humiliated and insulted enough?

I know for sure that I have had enough. Thus, I took death in with a welcoming embrace. I let it wash over me like a holy waterfall. I took death face on, staring at its cold hard eyes, unrelentlessly. I know for sure as well that I will never be the same, with each and every death, I grow stronger.

I become more immune and more resilient. It was at the lowest point of my 'death' that I know that things will take a positive turn. One day, I shall overcome death itself. I shall be a changed being. I may not be me anymore, but after so many deaths, I am but pure."

AS many times as one listens to Mary J. Blige's (that girl can sing!) No More Drama, the song seemed to touch different emotional levels at different times. In some way, the dead and depressed will sing along side MJB, promising themselves and swearing to some unknown entity that they WILL have 'no more drama' for their life. That they will take the lesson, albeit painful, into their stride and learn from it. Other times, the cheerful will sing along MJB in celebration of their strengthened life. That they have never felt so thankful as they are now 'free from all their pain'.

Like them, I have sang along MJB many times. Most of the time, I struggle to hit the notes she does, but that is not the main point. Every lyrics struck a note in my heart. When MJB went 'I don't know, only God knows where my story ends, but me I know where my story began' I can't help but scream a little hallelujah in my heart. It was then I realised that the song is not for one who broods about the past, but for one who is ready to face the future and move on.

Moving on is not an easy thing. Wounds take time to heal. And more easily, the reopen as old memories haunt us. Why can't we drop these wounds like we do in the toilet... and move on?? Must we build an inpenetratable wall that will not allow hurt and pain and suffering to touch us? Must we turn our heart into solid ice? If that is the case, is it better to live and love and hurt, or isit better to be a zombie no longer capable of trust and love?

For now, I am with MJB, for there will be No More Drama in my life...