Hello, Goodbye

The weather forecast was wrong. It is still freezing cold and wet today... and will be cold tomorrow and the day after. I must be part cold-blooded as I don't function fully under the cold. There is no motivation!!

I find it intriguing how it is so easy to start writing about the weather. It is a rather traditional way to write a diary. A blog is like a diary. It can contain journal articles and random thoughts too. A reflection or retrospect that contains highly processed thoughts and ideas.

Is it possible that after all these notes to myself, I find myself back to square one? The lessons learnt, the pain, the hurt and the dilemma. In a moment of weakness, they just diminish, like they never ever happened. Like they don't matter. Later on, I am left with nothing but regret. We comfort ourselves saying that it is a good lesson learnt and next time, we will do otherwise and emerge the victor... not the victim. However, the cycle only continues.

We are who we are. Yet we often want to better ourselves and improve. We play scenarios of our past failures over and over again in our head and we make sure that in those situations, we are doing what we should have done. This only soothes those sleepless nights and provides some hope in our hearts. But, isit really gonna end? In our head when we say enough is enough, is it really... enough?

You ask yourself, 'Am I sadistic? Do I have a problem? Why did I?' There is no answer to these questions. There are no closure. It opened with a 'Hello' but there was never a 'Goodbye'. Why is there never a 'Goodbye'? Yet we so eagerly press on to the 'Hello'. There are so many things left unsaid. So many dreams that are yet to be fulfilled. Isit pride that is at stake? Isit love? It seemed like a never ending battle. And you always the victim, the loser, the forgotten and the forsaken.

There is no 'Goodbye'. There may never be a 'Goodbye'. But we continue this search for the elusive unicorn. And in doing so, we let ourselves slip... into the never ending cycle.

Resolution

Nine more days!!

Melbourne has really erratic weather patterns. It really annoys and affected me.

On Saturday, it was the hottest day in the past two weeks and thus, I had to stay at home as I don't want to get exposed to the sun. I am an extremely sun-sitive person and exposure to the sun will mean that I need to patch an SK-II mask later in the evening which ain't cheap at $22 a pop.

Sunday, was really cold! It was drizzling too and a miserable day like that, I had to stay home. How can the weather change so much in a span of 24 hours?? Beats me. I am used to it. At least I get to stay at home when the weather sucks. Luckily, according to the weather forecast, the weather will be perfect for the next 3 days. Not too sunny, not too cloudy, not too hot and not too cold.

I realise that I have not thought about my resolutions for 2011! The last month has been full of drama and my initial plans for 2011 turned out to be different. With so much time on my hands, I have thought of some concrete resolutions. I am not sure how achievable they are at this moment but this will serve as a reminder and a goal.

1) To earn AUD$1000 a month equivalent in Jakarta. This is the most basic amount I am going to let myself earn for the next 3 months (March, April and May). I can definitely hit this as I already had invested my capital and ready to go. I will double this amount for the 3 months after this (June, July and August).

It is not alot of money as I earn alot more here in Australia but it is a good start. It is also a lot of money in Indonesia and I am saving on rent and bills as I will be living with my folks.

2) To get my driver's license. Lol I lied to everyone at work that I can drive, but the truth is I am only an L plater. I can drive but I certainly need practice.... and a license. This can be quite challenging as I have someone to drive me around Jakarta everyday and I don't use public transport and traffic in Jakarta is madness, which makes me very unmotivated to learn how to drive. On the other hand, driving is an essential skill in Jakarta, so I will need to learn it. Thus, by June this year, I will be driving!!

3) If I am going to drive, I need to do it instyle. I need a car that is as hot as myself (but of course). I need a cabriolet. I have decided on the car of choice. I am not a big fan of big sedans or vehicles and I am only driving in a city, thus a small fuel efficient car is sensible. An Audi A3 Cabriolet will suit me perfectly. It is not a really cheap car which is why I think it is not a wise choice. A wise choice will be like Honda Jazz or Suzuki Swift. They are Japanese, have high resell value, low maintenance and not very expensive.

Hmmm decisions. I shall strive for the Audi. Not only it is spelled like my name, it fits me more aesthetically. I hope that Santa, who resides in my bank account, will be kind to me in Christmas in 2011.

4) Expansion of my business. I like to rent a shop in a good location where people appreciate it and there is a good flow of crowd. Me and my business partner aka my sister has been researching several spot but they seemed unsuitable. There is this one place that is ideal but the rent is over the roof and too much competitors.

5) Be happy.

I think that is all i hope for now. With my family, it is already a cause for celebration. If i can fulfil these resolutions, it will be 5 cherries on the topping!

I'm The One That I Want

Today is one of those days where I am glad about my decision for my future. The weather is perfect and it felt really quaint. With no rain or noise to occupy my senses, I feel more strongly that there is nothing here left. I also feel a sudden rush in my heart, that I want to go home as soon as I can. It seems like I am doing time in this prison and awaiting my release on the 8th of March.

'What am I doing here?' I questioned myself. 'Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?' Why didn't I come to a realisation of this earlier? The answer is simple, I was raised in this 'prison'. For those who knows me, they know about me and my family background. I wasn't raised in my real home with my parents, instead. To some, it is like a boarding school that started when I was 6 and ended till I turn 21. To others, it can argued that it is an orphanage. The ironic thing is, my biological parents are alive and well and I see them once or twice a year.

I hated the 'prison'. It is not because I was tortured in it. On the contrary, there was lots of love and support. However, there was no warmth. I hated this lifestyle cycle that repeated itself year after year. Since it was so imprinted in me, I don't know if I should or could end this cycle. I don't want to be living in two different countries where my things are split into two. I don't want to be away from my parents. I want to be a normal person just like the rest. I don't want to be in this 'prison' anymore.

This 'prison' is a mythical land of milk and honey where gold lined the streets. I, too, am convinced. However, gold is not going to give me the warmth that I am deprived of. This day, I realised that I have to forge the key to get out of this 'prison'. I want happiness. If you had read my previous posts, I came from unhappiness to being content. It is a huge achievement!! The me that was then believe that my life was meant to be unhappy. Then, I matured and learnt how to be content. I did not know what happiness was and truly believed that to be content is THE epitome of leading a good life. Only this, I realised that I should be happy.

It is not that being content just wasn't enough anymore. It more like I found a way to be better than being content, by escaping the 'prison'. This feeling is hard to described. It is not that feeling that I made a huge discovery, it is not even a feeling of emancipation. It's more revolutionary. It's like the Egyptians who finally said enough is enough and overthrew their dictator. Epic. Life changing. Monumental. I am leaving the 'prison' and not looking back.

Perhaps one day I am have the strength and maturity to burn this 'prison' down. For now, I am glad that the deliveryman coming over tomorrow to pick my 16 boxes of 260kg life here in Melbourne back to Jakarta...

Leverage

The conversation ended with 'Please come back to High Society'.

I believe that everyone is selfish and self-serving by nature. In this life that we are given, we are moulded to believe that we have to take as much as we can. We call that maximising our potential. We exploit the environment and people around us. We call that adaptation and outsmarting the rest. We need to win and losing is not an option. Everything is a competition. Everything is strategised so that at the end, it benefits us. At the end of the day, we don't care about other people's fate as long as I get what I want. It is a bonus if others benefit in your cause.

Sometimes, we perform act of kindness/goodwill that seemed non-profit. It could be us wanting to 'generate some positive PR'. It could also be our conscience making us feel bad about ourselves. So we leverage it with acts of kindness that would otherwise be foolish and non-value adding to ourselves. However, we believe in karma, you see. When we do good with others, others will do good to us. At the end, we are benefited. We remember that others owe us a favor and somehow make sure that it is returned.

Leveraging. It is such a basic human act that even a caveman knew how to barter a stone axe for half a mammoth. Then, he uses the fur to make clothings, use the bones to make tools and the meat to feed his family. Where did he get his stone axe in the first place? He could have earned it somehow, or he could have inherited it.

Inheritance, like good hair, is a God given attribute. A person with some inheritance can leverage it for more. Still, some of my friends have yet learnt to fully leverage their inheritance. They pride themselves in their independence. They have friends who had no inheritance that are hard working, supporting themselves and succeeding in their career. It is enviable. They want to succeed from their own capabilities. Yet, they had forgotten something.

People with inheritance are different from people with no inheritance. People with no inheritance sometimes have that extra organ which enables them to push through hardships and they want it more than others. This self-serving ability is nurtured since young. Thus, when we think fondly of the friends that are succeeding with their own accord, they are probably rather uncommon and they have that extra organ.

People with inheritance will find it hard to compete with these other people if they don't leverage their inheritance. Some of them end up succeeding at the end without the leverage, but if they leverage, chances of success soar. It is just how we are meant to be. That inheritance, is our extra organ.

I have actually just grasp this concept recently. I think it will raise alot of eyebrows but it certainly have a seed of truth in it. It seemed snobbish and irrelevant in today's failing economy. This concept is not even relevant to a majority of people. Perhaps I may be wrong, but I myself will be embarking on a journey of leveraging. I will work that inheritance organ hard to multiply what I am given.

The Perfect World

Often times, I would mention the perfect world or the perfect situation in conversations. In a perfect world, this and that will happen. In a perfect situation, that will occur. Yet, I don't recall that perfect outcome ever. The world is not perfect, so why would there be a perfect outcome?

I am a natural cynic. I am not a pessimist, just cynical. This explain why I never win anything as I am too cynic to be in the draw. I find the winners fascinating. I often wonder how did they win, what trick or method did they use to attain the win. Is it luck perhaps? As much as I like to believe in Lady Luck, I don't. I won't bother entering into a 'luck' draw or buy lottery or submit to win a prize. I did the math in my head and if my chances are under 50%, I probably won't be the 'lucky' one out of 100++ participants to win.

Still, I believe in hard work. If I work hard enough, I may win something. Yet, I often indulge in the thought of entering this perfect world where I always win. This perfect world does not exist and may never exist, still, I have a very clear concept of what it is.

A perfect world is not a selfish one where I had conjured up for myself to be the sole winner and everyone else become the losers. In this perfect world, everybody wins! In addition, my perfect world is different from another person's. However, it is so perfect that it does not affect or influence another's perfect world. It is like a micro-planet. One could say it is comparable to Heaven, the promised land and Nirvana as we have read in books. The only difference is, it is Heaven on Earth. Here is my perfect world starting with the easy and attainable features of my perfect world:

In my perfect world, there is always a cake and a roast chicken in the fridge. This is easy as I do have this habit making sure two of my favourite things are readily available when I want them. In my perfect world, I have an enormous gallery room where I house my favourite things, paintings, wardrobe and products. If you have been to my room, you would realise that it is filled with things from one corner to another. A bedroom with just a bed and nothing else would be a nice change. I can still get to this when I become extremely wealthy and have my big house to store my many more things to come =).

In my perfect world, I have the ability to teleport. I can be anywhere in the world in a blink of the eye. This seemed impossible now but I have faith in the future, such technology will exist. Something along the lines with transporting our nano cells from one spot to another via electricity. However, in this perfect world, only I can do it and no one knows about it. In my perfect world, I can go invisible, go through walls and turn into any living creature as I pleased. This feature seemed far-fetched but I have often thought about it.

In my perfect world, I can heal my wounds in an instant. I can also heal others. In my perfect world, I have wings and I can fly. In my perfect world, I can freeze water into towers to prevent flooding. I can call upon the rain to prevent drought. Perhaps I have watched too many superhero movies. The world will be a slightly better place if I have my perfect world. In fact, it will be perfect.

Still, no matter how cynical I am about life, I can dream. If I can dream, there is hope for humanity!

Two weeks notice

Two weeks to go!! I love counting down.

Lately I have been sleeping at 3 to 4 AM.... not good. Luckily, I get to wake up late. I am never a morning person. Another plus is Jakarta is actually 4 hours behind, thus I am always up for a chat with my family. I wish I am but from as far as I could remember, I always find it hard to fall asleep and even harder to wake up early. Thus, I am a brunch person! I always envy those people that can fall asleep standing and wake up like they just had a deep sleep, even if it was only for 10 minutes...

Tonight is not a warm night. It is not cold either, however, the air is dead still. Since I don't own an electric fan, it felt like a warmish night as I am semi-sweating. It is nights like these that I wish I have a tent so that I can camp on my yard. The sounds of cricket and drizzle of rain is in order to make such boring nights memorable. Amidst all the drama going on around me, I have to pause to think about my financial status.

Moving so abruptly is not exactly cheap. In addition, I still owe my sister 2 months of rent. Boohoo. Shipping of my bulky yet precious things (see previous blog) will set me back about $700! Cancellation of my mobile phone plan will cost $400. On top of that, I have to pay for my gym membership til 8 June when the contract ends, damn!! That will be another $250. Then, I have my one way ticket home which is $550 and I still have to pay off my credit card which is currently on $700.

CRAP!!! It means I need $4000!!! Where am I going to find $4000 (see previous blog for reasons why)??? Damnnnnnnn. I am a pay check to pay check liver... how am I going to have money when I have no pay check? Damnnn, why is everything so expensive in this world? $4000 can feed an African family for a year!!! And that included rent and electricity bills!

If only I had some kind of sponsor, like sugar sponsor lol. Haizzz, that is never an option anyway as I had wished for one for a long time and it never come to fruitation. Oh well, I should focus on my 2011 resolution and rewards for now.

Stay tuned!

The Packing Order

I have been packing in the last few days. Twelve boxes, about 20 kg each... Packing my life here away. How did I end up with over 200 kg of stuff? Note that these does not include furnitures!!!

Just clothing alone make up 130 kg at least!! Dayuuummmmmm. The packing doesn't end!! My wardrobe is like a bottomless pit... How the hell did I store so many things in my teeny tiny room???

I have a box of my formal wear, a box of my denim and casual wear, a box of things I will be selling, a box of bags, two boxes of shoes, two boxes of books and stationery, two boxes of skin care and perfume, a box of my toys, a box of winter wear and I reckon there will be at least 2 to 3 more boxes when I finally finish packing, zzzzzzzzz. The shipping dude is gonna be shocked when he comes over next Friday (and my precious things shall arrive in Jakarta the Friday after, the 5th of Feb).

Packing actually is rather draining and tiring. Strangely enough, it is not emotional at all, as I put my things into a box and the next time I see them, I will be in a new country, starting a new life. Can't wait...

Memento

Today is the first day that I have finally gotten used to the idea that I will be moving to Jakarta. I was spending the day in Melbourne city with a friend of mine. I noticed the newly renovated Myer City store is about a 100 times cooler than what it was. I also noticed that Zara is making its way to Australian shore. It made me wonder what will I be missing out if I did move. Well, malls in Jakarta are about a million times cooler than the celebrated Chadstone Westfield. And every mall in Jakarta is 'equipped' with Zara and more! Yet, there is a certain nostalgia when I think of Melbourne.

No matter how I had been, Melbourne is part of my life and for the past 10 years. Thanks to my struggles, I had learnt how to take care of myself, anticipate what life threw at me and find the little joys to sustain myself. I had learnt not to complain, to adapt and be a chameleon if I had to. Perhaps I have had enough of conforming to the standards. There were times when my principles and morality were compromised. I lose myself from time to time in this crowd. I think it is time is place my feet back to the ground... in Jakarta.

I will miss Melbourne, but Australia changes at snail speed and 5 years later, when I do visit again, I doubt that the Melbourne then will be much different to the Melbourne today. Still, I have decided to start taking pictures of the Melbourne I know, as a memento.

It is probably the first time I am working my Blackberry camera as well. The train station that I go everyday, the bench, the scenery, the train ride, the city, my house, the suburbs that I love, my university, my previous work place, my old house and the house before that, the park I frequent, the beach, the streets and many more, I want to remember them. I am taking photos of them all and keeping them. They will all be part of me. It feels like a game of Monopoly and after rolling the dice, I am about to Pass Go (and collect $200 yay!).

Quarter Life Crisis

I can hear the clock ticking inside my head.

I am turning 25, soon. The last time I wrote a blog is more than a year ago. Recalling those times, I was so spirited, only 23 years old and turning 24. Have you even wondered if numbers ever make a difference to ones age? If you ask me, I'd say yes! Despite botox and your trusty plastic surgeon, the numbers don't lie!!

When I think of someone who is young and entitled to carelessness in his/her life, i think someone who is 24 years old... or under. It is such a nice number and perfect age to be. At 24, you have just gotten over your teenage self and finally get used to being a young adult and society. You are fresh faced and full of hope. You still have great plans... one which my included world domination. Then soon enough (and time really flies when you are 24), you turn 25 (*screams!!!).

When you turn 25, the romantics of being a young individual entitled to careless and carefreeness ENDS! It just do.

Being 25 is old. Not like geriatrics old... but more so you-are-responsible-for-your-life old. When you tell someone you are 25, they will be thinking 'oh you must be independent now, working professional who is saving for a property, paying off your car and planning to get married in the next 4 years tops'. Lol, at least that is what I would think, so someone should shoot me in the head cos I am no where near there.

At 25, some may say that I facing a quarter life crisis. I think I prefer the idea that I am just doing a reality check. Well, in case you are wondering what I had been babbling all about, this is my situation:

After living in Melbourne for almost 10 years, I have decided to move back to Jakarta for good. The irony is that it is a completely unplanned decision and I just got back from Jakarta 4 days a after a 3 months.... retreat/ retirement. I left my previous job (where I werked-it for 2.5 years) and came back to Melbourne with the hopes of embarking on a new adventure.

Alas, I realised that in the 10 years that I have been living in Melbourne, the number of times I was truly happy are few. I was sad. I am sad. Lonely is probably more accurate. Then I made new friends in this totally new place but they all left Australia soon enough. And it is not just loneliness. It had coupled itself with homesickness, perpetual darkness and coldness thanks to the climate in Melbourne. I realised that I could cope with these quite well..... by spending money on myself to make my life less miserable.

My wish-list runs amok!! If you have read my previous articles, you will be impressed by my retail feat! I have everything!!!! Diamonds, gold, Macbook, 12.5 pixel camera, a whole Gucci store, impressive wardrobe, so much shoes, a whole row of parfums, my trusty Blackberry, new this, new that. It got up to the point that a $7000 watch is nothing to me!! Somebody has to stop me!!! I am not a materialistic person by nature. I buy all these things not because I like to show them off... in fact, I rarely bring them out in front of people. I buy them to make myself happy. It is my way to loving myself. The result: NIL SAVINGS!!

So there I am, 2 days in Melbourne and decided that there is nothing here in Australia for me. If I am unhappy and have no savings... why am I still here? Note that I am turning 25 and at 25, one assumes to be 'oh you must be independent now, working professional who is saving for a property, paying off your car and planning to get married in the next 4 years tops'.

There is still hope for me! I am a month and a bit away from 25!! I can still make it! I can still become independent, a working professional who is saving a property, paying off my first car and will be married in 4 years (or 6 years as I have given myself).

Wish me luck people. I shall update more often. And please God, let 25 be kind to me =).