Coast to Coast

What a year. In less than 40 days, we will conclude 2008.

The thought alone made me sad. I am not ready for a new year yet. I am not ready to be another year older. I am not ready for new obstacles as i am still dealing with the current ones. I am not ready for new expectations and even new growths yet.

What about you? Are you thinking the same? Or have you had enough of this year and you cannot wait to move on. Cannot wait for a fresh start, a new season, a new environment, a new circumstance and a new you?

No doubt this year has been a year of changes for me. New occupation, new attitudes, new aspirations, new styles, new language, new hair colour, new tattoo, new identity and hopefully, a new passport even. At times, these changes seemed really slow and overdue, but at times it happened so fast that I cannot even sit down and think, and breathe and digest. This year had its ups and downs personally and non-personally. There is tears and rain.

I know that for some of you this year had been an eventfull one as well. Relationships/ friendships that came and go, things that you have learnt about yourselves, decisions that had made or break you. If there is a time to finally start closing the book on 2008, it will be now. November now. December has too many distractions. By the time you are done, it will be 2009 and you will be thinking, where did 2008 go? Take some time one day, light the candle, shut the blinds and think.

So I have truly outdone myself this time. This year alone is like 3 years high school squashed into one. I have met so many new people. I have travelled to new and old places so many times. I have made plans about my future in so many details. One thing I never did, which i did in past years, is that i never looked back my past. Finally I am able to see forward and not based my life on my previous experiences. My past experiences have hindered me alot and now, this year, for the first time, I felt like a free bird. At 22, i have learned a lot. I am content.

However, content as i may be, i want more of this growth and maximise it. I fear that it will end when the new year come. The time will soon come when they will no longer check my ID at the door, when the question of marriage start coming up, when i have to start saving up for a car and a house. The time will come when i will be old, look old and desperately clench on the remaining ounce of youth in me. I am already supporting myself financially. The fine lines around my eyes can already tell some of my life story to those who see me.

Coast to Coast,
Face to Face,
Heart to Heart.
I am thankful for this year.
May the remaining days of this year be the best days.
So that i can close this year with a big smile and go
"Schat, je verbaast me!".

Eating Out

To eat or not to eat. That is the question.

How do we separate hunger from a food lover, and a food lover from a glutton? Humans eat recreationally. We love to eat. That is why we are getting fatter and fatter. Food is big business.

How do we separate the correlation of food to sex then?

If we humans can casual eat.... can we casual sex?
Humans are also known to have sex recreationally. Humans love to have sex, that is why we are getting hornier and hornier by the day. Sex is big business.

Casual eating can be very bad for someone's health. It is very addictive and provide temporary pleasure only. Yet despite this, people are more than happy to finish that pack of Doritos or smother themselves in a tub of Baskin Robbins. Then, there will be the guilt, regret, cellulites and gut.

Casual sex, on the other hand, can be very bad for someone's mental health (and health of course if one is unlucky). It is very addictive and provide temporary pleasure only. Yet despite of this, people are more than happy to finish up a piece of 'meat' and smother themselves in 'gravy'. Then, there will be all the issues with jealousy, insecurity, misunderstandings and worse still, contract some viruses as a result.

So the next time we eat, we should eat right. The next time we have sex, we should do it right as well, as it benefits both parties.

The Road to Macho

I have a problem appearing macho or masculine due to my insecurities.
For a while now, i have been going for the ethereal impossible pretty boy look.
I have so many products to help me on that from head to toes!
I have felt that looking pretty is the key to get anyone's heart,
Whether they are young, old, pretty, ugly, male, female, dog or just anyone...
If I don't feel liked, i blamed it on the way i looked. Thus the cycle starts again.
I start questioning if only my eye lashes were longer, will it be better or
if my skin is more luminous, will it be more attracting.

However, why should it concern me. What happened to inner beauty?
Instead of trying to grow that hair to make me look a wee bit cuter,
Shouldn't I be more concerned about ways to being a nicer person?
On how to sympathise with others and on how to improve my self esteem, not image?

How can i go from 'My issues are like tissues, wiping my self believes away.'
To a macho, confident, slightly arrogant and a little rude man?
I need to grow up in that sense. I need to change me.
No more effeminate, gentle, soft, indecisive me.
No more talking in himbo talk. No more air. No more two siddes earrings.
No more uncontrolled mannerism. No more speeches about my emotions and feelings.
No more getting in touch with the 'woman in me'. No more high pitched prissy voice.
No more mascara. No more ethereal androgynous shit. No more using the word 'bitch'.
No more facebooking with bimbo talk. No more ultra vain pictures.
No more trying to be hot or beautiful cos i already am.
No more superficial shit. No more lies. No more....

From today onwards, I will be mainstream.
I will talk with a low voice. I will not talk before i think.
I will be at my straight state. Never cross my legs sitting down.
Be assertive. Be confident. Be quiet. Be sure. Be a man.

I think i know what side of me that i want to be dominant now.
I think i have chosen.

Games People Play

Games People Play (subtitle: The Psychology of Human Relationships) is a famous 1964 book by psychiatrist Eric Berne. Since its publication it has sold more than five million copies. The book describes both functional and dysfunctional social interactions (cited from Wikipedia).

I am playing a game.

Mind games on how to beat the blue.
Brain teasers to control the heart.
Mind you this optical illusion will be real.
It is a snow country puzzle.
A maze of entrapment.
Psychologically, it will be control over people- and more importanly, myself.

After reading New York best seller 'He's Just Not That Into You' by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo , I had became rather cynical. Predominantly a book for the ladies to analyse men, I find it quite effective for men to analyse women as well or in any case, anyone. It outlines that love is no excuse at all.

For love is great. For we deserve that great love. There are no mixed messages.
He′s/She's just not that into you if:
He′s/She's not asking you out.
He′s/She's just too insanely busy to pick up the phone.
He/She doesn′t like the words ′relationship′ or ′boyfriend/ girlfriend.
My good friend Oprah Winfrey, whom endorsed this book, said that the book title is:
"Six words to change your life forever ... This book should be on every single woman′s nightstand!"

Good ol Oprah.
So instead of going into coffee by day, cocktail by night hours where friends sit together
And analyse what had gone wrong in their life,
Wouldn't it be better if we don't go on that ride and just save some youth by concluding,
He/She is just not that into you -period.

In addition, we all have many issues deeply imbedded within ourselves.
Whether it is a childhood trauma, esteem issues, trust issues or fear of taking that leap.
Whenever i feel the terror coming towards me, in my fear of fears, i have learnt to look within me.
Say a little prayer, clear the head, calm the heart. Remind yourself you are playing a game.
That is what i did and i find it very effective. Reconnect with God and ask What Would Jesus Do.
Ask for peace, ask for wisdom and ask for protection.

The possibility of getting myself hurt again emotionally is more than I can bear.
I may have loved the idea of the relationship, in the end of the road, I love myself more.
I will not want that pain again, even though pain and hurt may be part of the game peole play.

Bible 1 Corinthians 13

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

We deserve great love and i am armed with game plans.

Taller Better Faster Blonder

I am back. Not just back. I am totally back!!
For those who missed me, i apologise for being an emotional wreck last week.
I wasn't me last me. That me you saw... no good.
Bad... very bad.
The weather was gloomy last week, so was I.
I swear that the hormones running amok in me is strangling me.
I can't breathe right. I felt like i have asthma and a panic attack at the same time.
Stupid ABBA was in my head with the song 'Winner Takes It ALL'.

I should be 'No Stress'.... not 'Emo Bitch'.
Yesterday was the lovely Cup day, thus a public holiday.
No work on Tuesday can just about cure anything as I hate Tuesdays!!
I cleaned my room, cleaned the toilet and in the process, cleaned my mind.
Cleared my heart and now i am back.
Taller Better Faster Blonder.

I was at a state of war last week.
It got me thinking about wants and needs.
Someone wise once said that:
'A happy person is one whom prioritise his needs, not his wants'.
'A miserable person is one whom prioritise his wants, not his needs'.
Me? I am a confused person whom has his wants and needs messed up.
However, i can assure you that it is only for a week... I am now back.

The defeated me caused me to lose the real me.
The single, unavailable and fabulous me (snaps fingers and *pose*).
I know what i want. I know what i need. I love who i am. Why do i still suffered a bout of madness?

I am a sensitive intelligent rational being, yes.
Why do i lose control, turning into a sad, emotional, confused, painful fuckhead?
Then i realised......

My emotions has been too monotonous for a while since i started working.
It is forcing itself for a shock. I need to grow as a person but my life on the mono was inhibiting it.
My evolution is now top priority as I am 22 years old, and my body and mental needs to reasses my fabulosity.
It wants to know am I still fertile/sexual, still fabulous/hot, still senstive/emoting.
Stupid hormones... i swear that i feel like i was 8 months pregnant with a triplet.

So no what? I have cleaned my taste. I feel sexual, emotional and desirable.
Just perhaps not as naive, assuming and dumb. I am older now.
I was at Cacoon and now i have evolved...
Taller Better Faster Blonder.

In life, we have to take things slowly and step by step.
In relationships, we have to take one another slowly, let things breathe and be really patient.
I admit that i have decided to stop playing games as I know i get what i want in the end but do not feel satisfied.
I decided to face the relationship with the 'real' me, naked and un armed.
Things went wrong and i lost all my control. I have attacked the enemy forced too fast and too rash.
Perhaps i should have stuck to playing mind games first.

Games are games, no emotion attached, no pain, no gain.
I will pay it till i am sure i can let my defences go,
As the saying goes, 'No matter how sexy the lingerie is, it's true purpose is to be taken off'.

Fuck off ABBA's 'Winner Takes It ALL'
Hello Britney's 'Womeniser, Womeniser'